'Been Laid Off. Coming Home.'
The kind of news a wife dreads to hear, as it means life is forever changed.
Glance too fast and you'll miss the symbolic graffiti; similarly, are we not seeing the plight of some residents
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Photos
Three weeks ago, I became a member of a club I didn't want to join.
At 10:47 a.m., the Monday after Thanksgiving, I got an email from my husband: "Been Laid Off. Coming Home."
It was devastating news, albeit not so unexpected. Profits were down and tensions were high at work, and he'd been sensing something was up for months. They told him the layoff was for cost-cutting reasons, and a handful of other people were gone the same day. That didn't make it sting any less.
Suddenly I found myself with a completely different life situation than the one I'd woken up with. Living in Wilton, where the median household income of $194,000 is the highest of 12 towns in lower Fairfield County, losing the sole source of our family's income suddenly made life feel lonely and precarious.
But, truth be told, I am not alone. I have joined an unofficial sisterhood, a group of Wilton women whose husbands have lost their jobs after the last few boom years. These are women who live in this affluent community and suddenly find themselves with fewer means to stay afloat, yet still have to maintain equilibrium for their family and try to stave off disaster.
There's no website to put you in touch with the group. And I'm sure there's no application process. In fact, knowing what I feel after just a few weeks of belonging, like many women who went from two-spouse-single-income situations to being adrift, I understand why we might want to keep the status change hidden.
As one of my friends, who's in the same rudderless boat, described it: "We've stopped living."
I'll speak just for me: I am figuring this change out as it goes. I've never been in this position before, and I've certainly never lived it with children. The feelings associated with it are overwhelming. The confusion and shock, anxiety and fear are not going away anytime soon.
My husband and I weren't overly materialistic to begin with. We lived comfortably but certainly not at the high end of the Wilton earning scale. But his job loss has changed everything in just a few short weeks.
While we're not worried at the moment about losing our house, we've had to make drastic shifts in every facet of life. From the mundane, like clipping coupons and cancelling subscriptions, to the profound like cutting up credit cards and cancelling summer plans. We still haven't figured out how or when to explain it to the kids.
The first people we told were my parents. My mom has always been a little more delicate and fragile; I feared telling her the most. I was worried she wouldn't handle the news well, and when I got her on the phone, I told her if she was driving she should pull over. I was afraid she'd collapse when she heard. But her strength in the face of adversity was surprising and reassuring.
"Heather, you have your health; the kids are okay," she said. "You'll get through this."
She put it in perspective but, nonetheless, navigating each day is going to be rocky in a world where the axis has shifted. Even the little things have taken on greater dimension, like getting my son's shoes repaired.
Even month-old sneakers can get dirty fast with an active eight-year-old boy. I mistakenly put the sneakers in the wash, and the soles separated in parts from the bottom of the shoe. It took three visits to the cobbler to get each unglued section attached. But when the alternative would be replacing them after just a month, I was going to do all I could to not have to buy a new pair.
On the last visit, the shoe guy looked at me and said with more than a hint of aggravation, "I don't want to see these shoes here again." In that one moment he touched upon the fear, struggle and, yes, even shame that now seem too frequent. I hope I never have to bring those shoes in again.
I know we'll get through this. It's actually renewed my faith in my husband and our family and what it means to be just us at the center of our world. It's how we deal with the trials and tribulations that show our strength, not what car we drive or how much we earn. I'm going to have to keep reminding myself of that, and keep taking it as it comes.
I plan on periodically writing about our experiences in the coming weeks. I think it's important to personify what's happening. Job loss, unemployment, changes in standard of living—it's not just a story of oblique numbers and statistics. Perhaps by putting a face to the phenomenon, we as a community will get a better understanding of what's happening to people right here in Wilton, so that it's no longer quite so hidden.
***
Countdown until the 2011-2012 Board of Education budget is decided:
31 Days left until the Wilton schools Superintendent presents his recommended budget (Jan. 20, 2011)
100 Days left until the Board of Finance holds its Public Hearing on the Education budget (March 30, 2011)
134 Days left until the Town Meeting (May 3, 2011)
Please help make sure our schools have the funding they need to keep educating our kids to the highest possible standards. Attend a Board of Finance meeting, a Board of Education meeting, let your elected officials know how you feel.
Lori Lite
5:48 pm on Monday, December 20, 2010
I believe in telling kids the facts but keeping out the anxiety and worry. Kids should be kids and not be burdened with adult level stressors. Kids have anxiety when they do not know what it all means and if they expect a negative outcome. Talk it through to a positive outcome so kids see that they are safe, you have a plan, and it will turn out OK! fHOPE is the OPPOSITE of FEAR!
Lori Lite / Founder of Stress Free Kids
ETP
7:46 pm on Monday, December 20, 2010
Median household income in Wilton went up 34% since 2000. The school budget went up 83% with roughly the same number of students. Most of the increase went to union salaries and new administrators. There is plently of money in last year's school budget. We simply have to insist our administrators begin to spend it more wisely: for students not pork and fat.
There are many other private sector Wilton families with unemployed breadwinners...and retired seniors who can no longer afford bloated local, state and federal budgets. Its time to face the facts.
chauncey johnstone
11:18 am on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
If you look at the demographics of Wilton it is quite clear that there are a majority of residents who fall into the area of having one or more child in our school system. There are a lot of residents who curently are losing their jobs, or are under employed. I really feel for those folks, many of us have been there ourselves. The only difference in Wilton is that the town continues to support a bloated budget system supported by a number of people who don't seem to care about what they are doing to the residents in difficult situations. It is a very selfish attitude and it would seem that that some of those folks, who avereage over $180,000 in salary, could afford to provide more of their own financial support to their kids local education rather than place the burden on everyone else. Wilton schools are not Choate, Taft or Andover, much less a Browning in NYC, but if you have one child in the system, what it costs the taxpayer would sure help pay for a fair part of those schools. And in some of them it pays for the childs Room and board!!!
Michael Graupner
11:52 am on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
My guess is that Heather is not feeling as cavalier as she did when penning her infamous column " Please, Raise my Taxes", a call for across- the- board redistribution of wealth to the Teachers union. It sure is easy to be magnanimous with other people's money when you have a strong income stream... but when life's realities set in the tune usually changes.
Many people think that life in Wilton is all about the schools and no matter how much is "invested"in them it's never enough . But we are not all earning $180,000. per year, driving new Mercedes, or regaling the gang down at the Newcomers Club about our next family vacation. Heather is now where many of us have been before. That's when some of us realize that life is more than keeping up with the Jones's .
John
9:48 am on Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Mr. Grapner is right on target. These Obama apologists are all for public education yet they attended pricey, private colleges. Wonder what they did during the summer...drive around with their friends?
Heather Borden Herve
2:43 pm on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Sadly, your guess missed the mark, Mr. Graupner. I was not cavalier when I wrote my original column, nor do I feel so now. However, my husband’s recent change in unemployment status has not made me waiver from my request to the Board of Finance. Although it would be even more difficult now, I still would be willing to pay more in taxes to ensure against budget cuts for the schools.
I’ve never fit into the caricature Mr. Graupner paints: We never earned anywhere close to $180,000 per year; one of our cars is a 10 year old car we bought used, and we’ve never owned a Mercedes. The only ‘club’ we belong to is a synagogue that likely will be gracious about waiving some of our membership dues. I’m sure people who know us will attest: we’ve never been ones to ‘keep up with the Joneses.’
Part of the reason why we moved to Wilton was the amazing quality of the public schools. It’s our wish to continue to protect that standard of education that has existed in Wilton for many years. The answer isn’t pushing the ‘haves’ to pull their kids out and send ‘em away to private schools just because they can. It’s about making our public schools—as cost-effectively as possible—the best they can be for the ‘haves’ as well as the ‘have nots.’
Michael Graupner
3:34 pm on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Well, knock yourself out, Heather. You're entitled to write all the personal checks to the Schools that you and your husband wish... but as a newcomer to Wilton, you might not want to be so quick to demand the same from those of us who built the schools over the last 30 plus years.
John
1:00 pm on Tuesday, January 4, 2011
If you're such an advocate for public schools, Heather, why did you go to an elite private school?
Anthony A
4:24 pm on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Interesting that the object of both sides of this argument is really the same thing. Quality of Life: in terms of the school system - for those children currently in the system and for all of those to come, and the quality of life for all residents - younger and older adults alike. Whether the investments came from 30 years ago or continue for 30 years to come (and we know that they will) - the issue is really whether investment decisions are consistently being made wisely and in the best interest of all the residents. The children as was well as those of the educators (as it relates to education) and other important segments of our population and the services they require and deserve.
As a town grows, so do the demands and expectations of the residents. According to the US Census, between 1990 and 2000 Wilton's population grew 11% (to almost 18,000), and since then I would venture a guess that the growth has been similar. In 2007, Wilton was voted as one of CNN Money's "best places to live" in the US. Did we not think issues like this would come up as the population grew and the demographics changed?
As resolution to all argument comes from compromise, I am hopeful that these kinds of discussions (are our town leaders listening?) can lead to productive efforts that balance the needs of all residents. After all, Wilton is a fabulous place to live - and not just for the children. If it were not, we most likely would not be having this conversation.
carol ball
4:43 pm on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Heather, you have courageously broken the great Wilton taboo -- publically announcing that your husband is currently unemployed. In addition to your loving family and your synogogue, I hope that you will find encouragement, emotional support, and a friendly welcome from all Wiltonians as you navigate this challenge.
Heather Borden Herve
4:48 pm on Tuesday, December 21, 2010
thank you Carol, very much.
Joe Burke
12:41 pm on Thursday, December 23, 2010
I am truly amazed at how mean spirited and off topic this thread has become. Heather is sharing a personal story which has affected many locally. I experienced unemployment 12 years ago and it was hell.We are all trying to do the same thing- pay the mortgage, send our kids to college and save for retirement. It does not matter where anyone went to college or who paid for it- the challenges and hopes are the same. We all benefit by maintaining the quality of the schools and while we can argue about how much to spend and how to spend, it is a foolish argument to suggest that every homeowner does not directly benefit from the high quality of our schools. Heather- good luck to you and your family. I hope that your husband's transition is quick and as painless as possible
John
11:24 am on Friday, December 24, 2010
"It does not matter where anyone went to college or who paid for it- the challenges and hopes are the same"
Try telling that to the hiring managers and the admission officers at elite Ivy-League MBA programs.
Trisha Bam
2:04 pm on Thursday, December 23, 2010
Heather,
Thank you again for another moving and personal article. We wish you the best of luck through this difficult time and hope it will be short.
Maurice Acuna
6:25 pm on Monday, December 27, 2010
Heather,
Thank you for sharing such a personal story which has affected many families! Your column is helping to heal and awaken a deep self awareness around money "Been Laid Off"
Each human being on this planet is a priceless resource with potential that needs to be tapped so that together we can solve the issues of our time. It is not what you have but what you do with this life that matters. You come in with nothing and will leave with even less if you do not do something with this gift you have been given. Life is a a journey towards a goal that really only begins when you discover who you really are, why you are here? I believe it's to help others.
Don't wait for the money, to do good deeds. Life is too short
Know that you have our support.
Maurice A.