Recently, the Department of Public Health, in Hartford, issued some precautions about dealing with the dangers of the heat. They also said something scary about what could happen if you ever eat a McRib sandwich. But one crisis at a time.
In case you haven't read these warnings on Wilton's website, I thought I'd give you the short version. The Health Department people are nice to have posted this thing. But their statement is actually two pages longer than the Magna Carta.
So, here goes.
With temperatures getting well into the 90s and above, lately, the DPH urges citizens to "protect themselves." What's interesting is the new statement from the NRA starts exactly the same way. Of course, They're thinking of teaming up as a result. And posting a picture of a guy holding a handgun and wearing sunblock.
That's not bad.
The statement goes on to say that many of our towns have established "cooling centers" to help citizens find "relief from the heat." If you dial 2-1-1, you should be able to find one close to you. Now, when you call you don't want to use expressions like "You feel me?" or "I'm so down with that!" They may decide you're too cool already. And they won't hook you up.
And don't ask them to "hook you up." Or the same thing will happen.
The DPH Commissioner states that "Extreme hot weather can be very dangerous," especially for the elderly. Knowing 2012 is an election year, Republicans have vowed to abolish hot weather next year. Still, it's a twofer. Meaning if you vote for it, you'll also be getting rid of Social Security. So, please read that bill very carefully.
It is suggested that people of all ages drink plenty of liquids during this hot period. That means water and juice. However, until we can determine what category Crystal Light belongs to, you should probably stay away from that.
While the heat is pronounced, try and stay indoors, with the air conditioning on. This may keep you from getting sick, angry and nauseous. But don't then turn on "Jersey Shore." Or this will defeat the entire purpose.
If you don't have AC, try to find a place that does: go to a mall, cruise a book store, see a film. Or, if you can't get into one, then, okay, "Transformers III."
Wear lightly-colored, loosely-fitting clothing items. And, for any women visiting me? As few as is humanly possible.
Limit outdoor activity. If you must be active outdoors, aim for early-morning or evening. Now, if you have a dog, you can discuss this with him, but don't take a nod of the head to mean he's okay with this. It's simply an agreement in principle.
If you limit a dog's outdoor 'activity,' he will double his indoor 'activity.' Any first year biology student can tell you that. Plus, you'll be cleaning for days.
Wide-brimmed hats should be worn if you're outdoors. For maximum effect, whistle the theme to "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly." And guaranteed, you will have the sidewalk all to yourself.
Finally, yes, you can also put sunscreen on your nose, but you just won't look as intimidating. So just strap on a six shooter. There's no doubt about it: that is bound to redress the balance. And people will be sure to leave you alone.