Adults Behaving Badly

There were two major stories that happened in Wilton this week involving adults behaving badly around or with kids.

The first was a follow-up to an event that occurred in early May: On Tuesday, a First Student bus driver appeared in to plead not guilty to charges of harassing an eight year old Wilton student in his care. According to the warrant, the driver was seen on video surveillance footage as exhibiting behavior that many would call taunting, teasing and bullying. The warrant also states that the driver “tapped the child on the head” several times and pulled at an article of clothing being held by the victim, allegedly preventing the child from leaving the bus.

Reportedly, that the driver took part in and did nothing to stop the other children riding the bus from joining in with the taunts. According to the warrants, the victim said that the bullying was an ongoing situation since at least December, although the event that prompted the arrest of the driver occurred on May 5.

The other situation involved a Ridgefield girls youth softball coach and his wife who, during a game being played at Wilton’s Middlebrook fields, engaged in some pretty poor behavior when they escalated an argument with a couple of umpires. According to a police report the coach punched the chief umpire in the jaw.

These are two very different stories about the same thing—adults behaving badly, and children being hurt as a result.

We send our children out into the world and hope they won’t encounter the bad apples, the individuals who mistreat them directly or who teach them it’s okay to bully or demean others or…worse. We put our faith in other adults to care for our children with kindness. When that doesn’t happen, the damage is irreparable.

What rectifies that damage for the child who was bullied? The axis of his life is forever changed, as he now sees the world as a place where his faith failed him. Those in which he had faith—his parents, teachers, the system—allowed and encouraged him be in a place where he was no longer safe. As parents, our faith in our ability to keep the world righted for our children is suddenly gone.

Is there anything that can restore it? Does vindication come from simply changing words and charges from ‘alleged’ to ‘guilty’? Conviction and punishment don’t make it all better.

And what could possibly be worth hitting someone else in front of children? Pride? Vanity? Temporary insanity?

A coach is someone in a leadership position, also entrusted with the care and teaching of our children. More important than winning are the larger lessons he’s supposed to be teaching the kids, about sportsmanship, athletics and team play. The lesson he chose to teach the kids that day instead was about anger, retribution and losing control.

Once again, the faith our children and we have put into other adults gets squandered and trampled.

We’re all human, we all make errors in judgment and we’ve all experienced the emotions of anger, rage or fury at one time or another. I’ve lost my temper and yelled at my kids; my husband has a tendency to get irate when someone cuts him off on the road, and he’s reacted angrily in front of the kids. But we’ve never hit someone else. Ever.

In both of these recent Wilton news events, what is most crucial to me is what happens next?

Can morality be found in whatever action happens afterwards? Will the Ridgefield coach let his players witness his remorse, perhaps by apologizing to the ump in front of the children whose faith he stomped on? What’s the bigger lesson that he’ll choose to teach to counterbalance and outweigh the uglier lesson he chose to teach earlier?

And what of the bullied child? Will he get an apology? Will the children on that bus route get counseling or take part in special classes to counteract what they were taught about treating another child? Who tries to make the situation a little more right, if that’s at all possible?

We adults need to work a little harder. The examples we set, the behaviors we engage in, they have such a deeper impact than just that one moment in time. Instead of adults behaving badly, we all need to be adults behaving better.

Disclosure: The youth softball coach is related to a Patch employee, one who on occasion supervises my work. I tried to remain as impartial as possible, and I have been encouraged to write my opinions on the events freely and without regard to that relationship. I am grateful that Patch has remained staunch in defending my ability to do so.  (Updated 2:14pm)