A Daughter in Arms

Once Carmine De Young received a birthday card in the mail. It wasn't just any card; a sheet of paper lay folded squarely inside. Written on that crisp white notebook paper were ten reasons why her daughter Lauren Cust had enlisted in the United States Army Reserves.

De Young keeps the list tucked inside her Bible.

"A mother can sense when her child is in danger and on days when I had that feeling, I would pull it out and look at it," said De Young.

For 400 days, from 2008 to 2009, Carmine and Don De Young of Ridgefield waited while their daughter, SPC Lauren De Young Cust, served as a military police officer in Iraq with a reserve unit out of New York. Cust came home a year ago, and her parents are relieved.

A social worker, Cust now works with Connecticut homeless veterans, from Wilton to Bridgeport. She works closely with Wilton resident and Gold Star mother Shalini Madaras who started Female Soldier/Forgotten Hero. And she is a job developer and outreach specialist for Homes for the Brave in Bridgeport.

But just as war never truly leaves a soldier or Marine, its grip never truly releases some parents.

"War goes on," De Young said. "That's what the public really doesn't understand."

The United States is now in its ninth year of war in Afghanistan and eighth year of war in Iraq. More than 37,000 troops have been wounded in action, more than 5,000 killed. But because it is an all-volunteer military, only one percent of the nation's population serves.

Cust wanted to join straight after graduating Ridgefield High School. The De Youngs asked that she attend college first before committing to the military. So she earned her degree in social work from Salve Regina in Rhode Island. Then she enlisted.

She broke the news slowly, so slowly that, because of her reputation as the "funny bone of the family," De Young initially thought her daughter was kidding. And then realized she wasn't.

"My heart was just aching," De Young said.

So the mother demanded the daughter write down ten good reasons she joined up. She thought it would help when worry visited in the night to know why her child decided to go to war. But Cust left for basic training without writing the list.

A few months later De Young's birthday card arrived in the mail. Cust told her mother she joined to serve her country, to challenge herself, to protect the freedoms her family had come to enjoy.

Military service lives in the De Young DNA. Since World War I someone in the family has worn a uniform. Both of Cust's great-grandfathers, first generation Italian-Americans, earned their citizenship by serving during that war.

"My Dad said, 'Honey, it's in the blood,'" De Young said. "Because of the military service in the family the kids grew up with an American flag in front of the house. No flag but the American flag will fly in front of this house."

And so Carmine and Don De Young accompanied their daughter on the day Lauren Cust signed her papers.

"There was no way we would ever let our child enlist and go to war without our support," De Young said. "We wanted her to know that yes, it was her decision and we would honor it."

Cust knew she'd be deployed when she joined. It was 2006 and Iraq teetered on the brink of total disintegration. Under the surge additional brigades were sent and now there is a promise of a stable nation in the future.

Yet during Cust's deployment suicide bombings occurred almost daily and American casualties had topped 4,000. Neither Carmine nor her husband Don watched the news during Lauren's deployment. They felt the news would pull them down. They vowed to remain positive.

"And we knew if something was very wrong we'd be notified," De Young said.

Still for 14 months, driving home was an exercise in anxiety – every single time.

"We'd look to see that that car or that solider wasn't there," De Young said, referring to a casualty notification officer.

The De Youngs spoke with Lauren fairly frequently. Hearing their daughter's voice from 5,910 nautical miles away reassured them. But sometimes the sound of in-coming fire whistled in the background and Lauren would simply say: "I've got to go now."

While in Iraq, Cust launched Operation Gaining Trust. She and her unit trained Iraqi police officers. They understood a community must trust its law enforcement. To build a bond, particularly among the children, they collected school supplies from the U.S. and donated them to the Iraqi children.

The De Young's placed a container on their driveway and people dropped off pounds of supplies, including backpacks, markers, pens, and pencils. More than 150 boxes were shipped to Iraq.

Now back in Connecticut, Cust's desire to take on projects that help those in need manifests itself in the work she's doing with and for homeless veterans. She is protective of the country's veterans and recognizes it as a community responsibility, said her mother.

"It's amazing how people reach out," De Young said.